An Open Letter to The Love Boat Crew

A memo from human resources

Photo by Reinhard Schulze on Unsplash

After receiving a few complaints from recent passengers aboard the Pacific Princess, it has come to my attention that some of you have been acting in an unprofessional manner. While researching current policies regarding employee behavior, I have discovered, much to my surprise, there are none.

While writing an entire employee handbook will take a little time, I feel that there are some policies that should be enacted as soon as possible to avoid inevitable litigation.

1. Stop referring to your ship as “The Love Boat”. It creates unrealistic expectations.
2. Fraternization (in the biblical sense) with the passengers is strictly prohibited. It’s important for our passengers to have a good time, but let’s keep it in our pants.
3. Every passenger should be given the same attention. Spending all your time with the pretty ones makes the ugly passengers feel neglected.
4. Vacation time will no longer roll over from year to year, so use it or lose it. All work and no play can make a person very grumpy, and the Pacific Princess wants a cheerful crew.
5. While the captain doesn’t actually drive the ship, it wouldn’t hurt for him (or her) to make an appearance on the bridge every now and then.